Writing topic # 1 pg 371
Since I could remember I have always been very interested in my appearance, not in a conceited way, just that I liked to look polished. My mom always use to take me to pick out my clothes for school and she would never let me get what I wanted. So over summer leading into 6th grade I begged her to give me my spending allowance and let me get my own clothes. It took a lot of persuading but eventually she caved, finally I would be able to get whatever I wanted. So my friend and I got dropped off at the mall and off we went, my budget was $150 and that was suppose to buy me all of my clothes for summer/fall. I began buying and it seemed as though as soon as I got there my money was gone. I bought a very cute handbag for school, two pairs of shoes ( to ensure that I would match), two pairs of jeans and one shirt. I came home and showed my mom and she began to laugh, she said, “Well it looks like you will only have one shirt to wear for the whole week, but maybe people wont notice since your handbag is so great!” I knew that she was right I spent so much money on the handbag that I forgot the whole purpose of why I was there in the first place. Needless to say she took me back to the store and had me refine some of my choices to less expensive pieces so that I would have enough to last me a few months.
The moral of the story is that I have always been very interested in how I come across to others, I would like to say that I learned from that experience but I simply did not. Still to this day what I wear and how I appear to others is important to me. I am the girl who has to have her hair done, face on, and fully dressed just to run to the grocery store. I believe the reason I am so caught up on my wardrobe and such is because I have always been the “big girl,” therefore I feel like I have to try twice as hard to look good as someone who has a smaller frame. Since I am a plus size women I tend to draw heavily towards things I know will always fit, such as shoes, earrings, necklaces. Purses, etc. I must have over 20 purses, 50 necklaces, 100 pair of earrings, and now that I think of it I can probably open shop selling accessories. Ladies? LOL. I make sure that when I get ready my hair is done, make up on, and my outfit is coordinated and well put together. I am very hard on myself, but it is because I know that there will always be that one person who notices something wrong, so I have to play the role of that critical eye. I think when people look at me they think confident, got it together, well maintained, cares about herself, etc.
I feel as though I am coming off a little materialistic so I want to clear that up I am not a label whore or anything like that. I jut really like to look put together and give a good first impression. I think in reality now from writing this I realize I maybe hiding behind the clothes and accessories. I like to make sure that I look so well maintained and manicured because in the inside I am losing my mind and I am unable to control most things in life. The way I dress, I can control that, that’s easy for me.
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This hits home so hard for me. I'm not like you, I go to the store in sweat pants and a tank top with my hair in a lopsided ponytail and no makeup sometimes. I'm a big girl too, and shopping is so much fun... When it's not for clothes. I think you are my polar opposite yet we are the same. I feel bad about the way I look and generally, unless I put in the work to look good which is about once a week, I look like a beach bum. You're occupied with keeping it together on the outside to hide the lack of control on the inside it seems while I'm just a hot mess most of the time in every aspect. I busy myself with writing, school work, and having a perfectly clean/organized house, car, etc but hardly go out anymore unless it's to school or to run errands... How sad right? lol. I'm trying to compensate for my lack of a totally hot body by perfecting these other things. But really, I can get dressed up, check out my profile pic, I just generally don't because it's so much work and I feel frumpy. ugh. I learned something about myself though, by reading about your struggles. I think I need to spend more time taking care of myself and addressing my lack of self control. It's the only way I think either of us can really conquer our own self consciousness. But we really should be proud of ourselves, I read the quote "I am nobody but myself" in one of our assigned readings today and that really hit home. It's not about looking like twiggy girl over there or being like them, it's about being like us because really, we are powerful and different is KEY! So you go girl, I think you're totally cute!
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say thanks so much for the kind words. This assigment helped me to realize that I need to accept myself for who I am and let people see all of me good or bad. I think your beautiful and you seem really down to earth. I will say one thing, you need to get out more, we need to live life while we have it, and not just stand back and watch as it passes us by!
ReplyDeleteI can definitely relate to your blog being someone who was a size four and now a size sixteen in a matter of five to six years. I too used to find myself wanting to be coordinated from head to toe before I gained my weight and after until I finally came to a point where I just did not care anymore. I felt like at a certain time in my life I was attracting all the wrong attention completely opposite of what I was looking for, I guess by now you know I am speaking of attention from men. They would be attracted for all the wrong reasons and me being the silly one actually thought it was something more to me they were attracted to. Needless to say I have made bad choices in men and I finally was at a place where I allowed one to break my spirit so bad I stopped caring about how I looked I just got dressed well enough to be presentable for work I would put my hair in a bun and keep it moving, all around this time I had my son gained of course unnecessary weight and was pretty much downhill from there. I got comfortable presenting myself this way because now I am not getting that bad attention, in fact those that tried to talk to me when I was a size four would not give me a second look at my size sixteen. I didn’t have to worry about any male wanting me for the wrong reasons and this is what I felt at the time was protecting me from being broken again. I have finally came to a point where I am secure enough with who I am no matter what size and I don’t make it a point to dress for others I do it for myself and to make myself fell good. I have found that people are attracted to those that walk with confidence rather than those that walk with their heads down, so it is not necessarily your size it is your energy, it is your walk, it is your confidence that makes you who you are.
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